THE PROFILE:
Write Your Own Story:
Wisdom from Shelly
Shelly says: One of my
greatest breakthroughs, as I was recovering from my addiction to cocaine and
other substances, came when the facilitator of a therapy group asked us to
write autobiographies in the third person. This exercise opened up something
deep inside of me. This is what I wrote:
Once
upon a time there was a cute little girl who was loved by her family. Her
mother wanted the little girl to be perfect, clean, neat, and well-mannered.
Her dad was busy with work and sports. She always wanted her dad to spend time
with her and her mom to accept her as she was.
She
was sexually abused as a teen and told her parents, but they never wanted to
talk about it, and the man was never arrested or punished. She tried to forget
what had happened, but she was confused and frightened. When she grew up, she
never felt valued or important and had a hard time relating to men.
The
story changed when she became willing to surrender, to let go of that anxious
child who needed to feel power. She did work that helped others and encouraged
people to believe in themselves. She took good care of her body and soul. She
reached out to become more effective in her career by speaking and writing
about her work. She became active in her community, gave away some of what she
had, and felt peaceful and grateful.
She
was no longer that scared, helpless kid. She was a competent adult who knew how
to meet any challenge that came her way. When the little girl inside her cried
out for attention, she took care of her in productive, nourishing ways rather
than indulging in junk food or other hurtful behaviors. She loved, protected,
and cherished that sweet child who had tried so hard for so long. She became
the mother and father the little girl had always longed for. Instead of living
happily ever after, she pushed forward every day and learned to love the
struggle.
Writing my story and then reading it over to myself
was healing in so many ways. I was able to feel kinder toward the innocent
child of my story than I ever felt for the adult Shelly. Feeling empathy for
that little girl helped me forgive myself for being such a flawed, imperfect
person.
Even more life-changing was the next exercise –
reading our stories out loud to one another. Once the words were out, there was
such a sweet release. The other women embraced me, soothed me, and cried with
me. I felt surrounded by love.
THE KEYS:
1. Writing
is a powerful way to gain new perspectives on your life. Putting words down on paper is far different from
thinking about things in your head. When you put yourself in a story, you gain
control over the experiences of your life.
2. Telling
your story to someone else is the most powerful thing of all. Having someone listen and accept the most shameful,
sensitive parts of you will fill those hurtful places with healing love and
joy. For more on the power of narratives, see my earlier blog post “Tell It
with a Story.”
3. You
have complete control over the story of your life. If you don’t like your story, you can rewrite it,
retell it, reshape it. If parts of your story are painful, you can rework them
in more hopeful ways. That doesn’t mean you need to make up things. It’s all in
the framing. The same experiences can be seen as victimizing or strengthening,
depending on how you cast them. You hold the power to turn yourself into the
hero of your life. You own your story, and it can be one of your most powerful
tools for transformation.
To begin writing from our pain eventually engenders
compassion for our small and groping lives. Out of this broken state there
comes a tenderness for the cement below our feet, the dried grass cracking in a
terrible wind.
–Natalie
Goldberg
ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:
1. Write
about your life in the third person (he
or she) rather than the first person (I, me). View yourself as a character in a
story. For example, instead of saying, “I was raised by an alcoholic father,”
you might say, “He was raised by an alcoholic father.” You don’t have to write
your whole autobiography. Just think of a time you felt disappointed in
yourself, or angry with yourself, or ashamed of yourself, and write about that
experience in the third person. Imagine it happened to someone else. Viewing
yourself with a more objective eye is a good way to see yourself with more
clarity and compassion.
2. Commit
to a time when you will read your story aloud to someone else. Let the person know what you have in mind so it’s
marked in both your calendars and you will be sure to follow through. This is
one of the most life-changing things you can do.
3. Try
writing your obituary. Turn it into a
story about your life–the way you want others to think of you. Ask yourself:
What do you want your obituary to say? How do you want to be remembered? What
might you do differently today to make sure your obituary will capture the
person you want to be?
4. Describe
yourself as if you’re a journalist writing about a famous person. What insights might an objective reporter have about
you?
5. List
the insights you gain from these exercises. Share them with your loved ones who may benefit from doing similar
exercises. The best way to help someone else change is to begin the change
process yourself so that you can serve as a role model.
For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappyBook.co.
Please contact me with your own stories, strategies,
insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this
question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer: How
differently do you feel about yourself when you see yourself as a character in
a story?
