WAKING UP HAPPY: Embrace All Your Emotions

THE PROFILE: Accept Your Feelings: Wisdom from Marilyn

           

MARILYN SAYS:  If I could tell you just one thing, it would be this: There’s a place for you in this world.

           

I know because, for the longest time, I wondered if there was a place for me, somewhere I could feel safe to be myself.

           

When I was growing up, with a mentally ill mother, an alcoholic father, and three brothers who were valued because they were male, being me was lonely and scary. It was a traumatic childhood because I had no one I could trust to help or console me. As the oldest, I ended up doing much of the caretaking.

           

The deepest parts of me felt unacceptable, so I hid them away. I learned early on that vulnerability, sensitivity, and empathy were mocked and scorned. I was called overly dramatic, high-strung, hyper-sensitive, self-centered, and too imaginative. I was told to toughen up and quit being such a crybaby.

           

Yet I knew those tender feelings were the realest thing about me, and so I couldn’t throw them away. Instead, I put them in a midnight-blue, velvet-lined, wooden box with a top carved with animals and birds and flowers that shape-shifted as needed. I carefully bundled that box in a rainbow-colored silk scarf. Then I wrapped that in a plain, brown, boring grocery bag. So if someone rifled through the layers of my former selves and got to the back of that long dark closet, they would be fooled by the plainness in which I hid my treasure box and give up and go away. Not even the cleverest of thieves and thugs would ever find it.

           

Years later, when I’d left home and was able to pull that box out of the closet, it wasn’t dusty at all. I’d caressed it and cleaned it in my mind so many times over the years, whispering to it, “Just wait. The time will come when I can bring you out and you can take your rightful place in the world.”

           

And when I opened it, every single treasure was as sparkling and pristine and magical as the day I put it away. That box in which I’d stored all my feelings held my soul, my real self, and after I opened it again, I could begin putting that tender self out into the world.

           

It wasn’t easy, because I had no practice in revealing myself to others. I think my drinking was a way to smooth that process. It was a very poor choice, and it did the opposite of what I intended, erecting barriers between me and others, between me and the world, between me and my self.

JILL SAYS:  Marilyn’s story touches a chord in me. Growing up, I buried all the “negative” emotions – the fear, the empathetic pain for the suffering of others, the worry, the anger, the guilt – deep inside myself, because I was sure I could never be the good child my mother wanted if I even acknowledged such terrible things.

My father expressed all those emotions, but he was mentally ill, and I certainly didn’t want to be like him.

When Marilyn and I met over 30 years ago at Women for Sobriety, both newly sober, we worked together to unearth our buried feelings. In this wonderful group – a heaven-sent alternative to AA – we met many others who, like us, had grown up in homes where emotions were denied; we all had a lot to learn about expressing those emotions.

When your child has descended into drugs, you’re likely to be inundated by an overwhelming confusion of emotions. You may feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, horrified, grief-stricken, lonely, angry, paranoid, to name a few. Perhaps the most important thing you need to know is that such feelings are perfectly normal, and you’re not alone in feeling them.

THE KEYS:

1.         It’s rare to feel one emotion at a time. Usually an amalgam of feelings will come at once.

2.         A feeling is neither good nor bad; it simply is what it is. Allow your emotions to come, and welcome them as a part of you. The more you deal with each emotion – feeling it fully and trying to understand its origins  – the less overwhelming it will be. Soon you’ll find that, no matter how strong a feeling is, it won’t kill you. There’s nothing more freeing than that knowledge.

3.         It helps to name your emotions, identify what you’re feeling, and share those feelings with others. Don’t be surprised, however, if an emotion you thought you had worked on and moved on from comes up again . . . and again. Strong feelings, especially if they’ve been buried or ignored, have a way of returning when you’re most vulnerable. It helps to be ready.

4.         Embrace the dark emotions. In Healing through the Dark Emotions, Miriam Greenspan says we can trust dark feelings – grief, despair, fear – to guide us if we dive into them rather than avoiding them. When we feel these emotions deliberately, an alchemy occurs, transforming them into gratitude, faith, and joy.

5.         You’ll find that getting in touch with your emotions will make you a happier person. You’ll be able to express yourself more freely and make more meaningful connections with others. Making good use of your own feelings is a skill you can master if you practice it every day.

ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1.         Ask yourself: How am I feeling right now? Make a list of any emotions you feel. If you need help to jumpstart your list, look at the partial list of emotions below.

Challenging (“Negative”) Emotions

Sad: desperate, melancholy, anguished, hopeless, disappointed, lonely, bored, hurt, self-pitying, empty, desolate, lethargic, discouraged, pessimistic, devastated, heartbroken, defeated, needy

Scared: worried, anxious, timid, uneasy, nervous, apprehensive, panicky, terrified, doubtful, tense, suspicious, wary, alarmed, edgy, horrified, dismayed, insecure, intimidated, paranoid

Angry: bitter, resentful, annoyed, disgusted, irritated, exasperated, frustrated, tormented, aggravated, jealous, envious, hostile, enraged, repulsed, furious, impatient, vindictive, offended

Uplifting (“Positive”) Emotions

Happy: contented, amused, optimistic, proud, pleased, triumphant, ecstatic, glad, delighted, hopeful, eager, enthusiastic, peaceful, excited, exhilarated, serene, satisfied, relieved, inspired, joyful

Loved and Loving: accepted, cared for, understood, cherished, caring, affectionate, connected, forgiving, grateful, passionate, trusting, appreciative, warm, friendly, safe

Confident: courageous, purposeful, determined, empowered, creative, capable, self-reliant, strong, worthwhile, validated, positive, independent, whole

2. Listen to music with some blank sheets of paper in front of you. Draw or paint how the music makes you feel. Or dance to the music, letting out all your emotions through movement.

3. Carry a notebook with you throughout your day. Write down any feelings that come up, along with a few words about what’s happening when those emotions arise. Later, when the time is right, write more about those feelings.

4. Find someone you can trust – a counselor, mentor, therapist, friend, or members of a support group – and discuss the feelings that are most uncomfortable for you to express. See my earlier blog “Just Connect” with exercises on finding such support.

For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappy.co. The book also includes over 30 memoirs, including Marilyn’s and mine.

Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer: What feelings are the hardest for you to deal with? What steps do you plan to take to take to learn to express those emotions?

WAKING UP HAPPY: See Yourself with New Eyes

THE PROFILE:

Write Your Own Story: Wisdom from Shelly

Shelly says: One of my greatest breakthroughs, as I was recovering from my addiction to cocaine and other substances, came when the facilitator of a therapy group asked us to write autobiographies in the third person. This exercise opened up something deep inside of me. This is what I wrote:

Once upon a time there was a cute little girl who was loved by her family. Her mother wanted the little girl to be perfect, clean, neat, and well-mannered. Her dad was busy with work and sports. She always wanted her dad to spend time with her and her mom to accept her as she was.

She was sexually abused as a teen and told her parents, but they never wanted to talk about it, and the man was never arrested or punished. She tried to forget what had happened, but she was confused and frightened. When she grew up, she never felt valued or important and had a hard time relating to men.

The story changed when she became willing to surrender, to let go of that anxious child who needed to feel power. She did work that helped others and encouraged people to believe in themselves. She took good care of her body and soul. She reached out to become more effective in her career by speaking and writing about her work. She became active in her community, gave away some of what she had, and felt peaceful and grateful.

She was no longer that scared, helpless kid. She was a competent adult who knew how to meet any challenge that came her way. When the little girl inside her cried out for attention, she took care of her in productive, nourishing ways rather than indulging in junk food or other hurtful behaviors. She loved, protected, and cherished that sweet child who had tried so hard for so long. She became the mother and father the little girl had always longed for. Instead of living happily ever after, she pushed forward every day and learned to love the struggle.

Writing my story and then reading it over to myself was healing in so many ways. I was able to feel kinder toward the innocent child of my story than I ever felt for the adult Shelly. Feeling empathy for that little girl helped me forgive myself for being such a flawed, imperfect person.

           

Even more life-changing was the next exercise – reading our stories out loud to one another. Once the words were out, there was such a sweet release. The other women embraced me, soothed me, and cried with me. I felt surrounded by love.

THE KEYS:

1.         Writing is a powerful way to gain new perspectives on your life. Putting words down on paper is far different from thinking about things in your head. When you put yourself in a story, you gain control over the experiences of your life.

2.         Telling your story to someone else is the most powerful thing of all. Having someone listen and accept the most shameful, sensitive parts of you will fill those hurtful places with healing love and joy. For more on the power of narratives, see my earlier blog post “Tell It with a Story.”

3.         You have complete control over the story of your life. If you don’t like your story, you can rewrite it, retell it, reshape it. If parts of your story are painful, you can rework them in more hopeful ways. That doesn’t mean you need to make up things. It’s all in the framing. The same experiences can be seen as victimizing or strengthening, depending on how you cast them. You hold the power to turn yourself into the hero of your life. You own your story, and it can be one of your most powerful tools for transformation.

To begin writing from our pain eventually engenders compassion for our small and groping lives. Out of this broken state there comes a tenderness for the cement below our feet, the dried grass cracking in a terrible wind.

                        –Natalie Goldberg

ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1.         Write about your life in the third person (he or she) rather than the first person (I, me). View yourself as a character in a story. For example, instead of saying, “I was raised by an alcoholic father,” you might say, “He was raised by an alcoholic father.” You don’t have to write your whole autobiography. Just think of a time you felt disappointed in yourself, or angry with yourself, or ashamed of yourself, and write about that experience in the third person. Imagine it happened to someone else. Viewing yourself with a more objective eye is a good way to see yourself with more clarity and compassion.

2.         Commit to a time when you will read your story aloud to someone else. Let the person know what you have in mind so it’s marked in both your calendars and you will be sure to follow through. This is one of the most life-changing things you can do.

3.         Try writing your obituary. Turn it into a story about your life–the way you want others to think of you. Ask yourself: What do you want your obituary to say? How do you want to be remembered? What might you do differently today to make sure your obituary will capture the person you want to be?

4.         Describe yourself as if you’re a journalist writing about a famous person. What insights might an objective reporter have about you?

5.         List the insights you gain from these exercises. Share them with your loved ones who may benefit from doing similar exercises. The best way to help someone else change is to begin the change process yourself so that you can serve as a role model.

For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappyBook.co.

Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer: How differently do you feel about yourself when you see yourself as a character in a story?

WAKING UP HAPPY: Lessons in Grief, Guilt, and Self-Forgiveness

One of the most confusing things about grief is its unpredictability. When my daughter was going through the worst of her addiction and I felt as if I had lost her forever, grief would overwhelm me when I least expected it.

Once I turned down an aisle at a department store and found myself, by accident, in the baby-and-child section, where the sight of those sweet little outfits, the dresses trimmed with roses, the tiny socks and leggings, the adorable mary jane shoes, hit me like a punch to the stomach.

Another time, I was at a fundraising auction when I came across a little girl’s dress with heart buttons all down the front, complete with matching tights, and didn’t realize I was crying till I felt the tears on my cheeks.

Sometimes I would hear a child call out, “Mommy!” and reflexively turn, then feel a sharp pain in my chest before my mind had even realized why.

Christmas, once my favorite holiday, turned dark the year she ran away at age 15. I had no way of knowing where she was, whether she was hurt or scared or in terrible trouble. I could not rid my mind of pictures of her homeless on a city street somewhere. I remember the weight of her stack of still-gaily-wrapped presents as I took them out from under the tree, wondering if I would ever see her again. They were so heavy I could barely lift them over my head to store them on the closet shelf.

I couldn’t bear the family togetherness messages everywhere that December. There were TV commercials that made me sob. I had to turn off anything with kids in it. Bright, young kids bursting with promise were the ones that tore most at my heart.

Even after she returned, although I could breathe a bit easier, I still feared for her life. She was still addicted, still beyond my ability to help.

And even today, years after she became sober and we began to repair our relationship and the broken trust between us, flashbacks can hit me. Christmas can still turn dark in an instant, and nightmares can take me back to those days of hopelessness.

A friend whose son died of a drug overdose has shared a few similar things with me. She too says that, although many years have passed, the pain and grief can still come at unpredictable moments, so strong and fresh that, wherever she is, she has to leave and go home to recover.

Knowing the pain of loss as I do, I wonder sometimes how any parent can bear the agony, sorrow, and guilt – my feelings of loss were always jagged with my guilt – of losing a child to drugs. It’s those shards of guilt that can stab through the grief and spear us in the heart.

Even if you haven’t lost someone, you likely have feelings of sadness and remorse from your past that you haven’t dealt with fully. You may have lost not a person but a dream of the way life would be for you. You may even have lost your faith, trust, and sense of meaning. Take time to mourn those losses so that you can move on and find new purpose. Remind yourself that you’re part of the universe, part of the flow of life, which includes pain and loss as well as joy. Acknowledge the pain, but don’t let it drown the little everyday raptures and beauty around you. Here are some keys and practices to help you find this balance.

THE KEYS:

1.         In addition to mourning your loss, you must face the guilt you feel for being (in your mind, perhaps even in your unconscious) complicit in that loss. You must learn to forgive yourself. A friend of mine, whose feelings of guilt threatened to capsize her, told me what she learned during this nearly unbearable period in her life:

“During those months I think I cried more than I’d ever cried before. I also scrawled incessantly in my journal, castigating myself for what I’d done, grieving for what I’d lost. I didn’t think there would ever be an end to my tears, my guilt, or my grief.

“Then, a few months later, I heard about a self-forgiveness workshop and signed up. It took place over a weekend that summer, and I think it may have saved my life.

“The workshop taught me to do two things that helped heal me. First, I limited the time I spent writing about what was bothering me. I wrote on a hurtful subject for only 15 minutes and then put my journal away. A few hours later, I reread what I’d written and reframed it by thinking of other ways to say the same things that were kinder toward myself.

“The second thing I learned was to look in the mirror, directly into my eyes, and tell myself I was a worthy person and that I loved myself just the way I was. When we were first “forced” to do this in the workshop, I thought, ‘Oh, God, no.’ But it turned out to be a moving thing to do. It did help me forgive myself.”

2.         Create new rituals to replace those of the past. After that awful Christmas when my daughter was gone, I knew I had to redefine Christmas if I was ever to live through that holiday again. Many of the things that had meant Christmas to me were now too painful. I gave up the Christmas tree, the decorations, the big dinner with the cranberry sauce, the gravy, the dates stuffed with walnuts and sprinkled with confectioners’ sugar. Instead, my husband and I began spending our Christmases at the movies. It felt almost sacrilegious the first time we did it, but also very freeing. I could start seeing it as just another day, not one fraught with meaning.

3.         Be prepared for feelings of grief, anguish, and guilt to come unannounced. Learn some tactics to snap yourself out of that deluge of emotions. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t feel your feelings, but when they overwhelm you or come at a time that feels inappropriate to you – in a meeting, at work, in a crowd – you need a go-to method that will put you back in control. When this happens to me, I go immediately to square breathing (Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breathe out for four counts, hold for four. Repeat.) Or wear rubber bands as bracelets so you can snap them against your wrist to “snap” yourself out of such episodes.

ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1.         Incorporate pockets of rest throughout your day. Take five minutes between activities to sit or lie down, breathe deeply, and regenerate. If a thought enters your mind, label it “Thought” and let it drift away. Focus on the here-and-now, the feel of your body against the chair, floor, bed, or wherever you are.

2.         Eat something you love.  Eat it slowly, mindfully, with total attention. Concentrate on nothing but the food and its color, flavor, aroma, texture, and beauty.

3.         Instead of ruminating about things you can’t change, contemplate things you can do something about. Decide on small, realistic steps you can take to move toward the life you want to live.

4.         Practice some of the tactics mentioned in “The Keys” above to help you heal. For example, try using a timer to limit the amount of time you spend crying, writing about painful things, or worrying. When the timer goes off, move on to something practical and positive. Also check out the exercises in my earlier blog posts, “Remaking Your Life” and “Holding On, Letting Go: Like Ash on Water,” which are all about coping with grief (scroll down and you will find the earlier blog posts). For still more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappy.co.

Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer: What tactics have you found most helpful to deal with the pain of life?

WAKING UP HAPPY: Surround Yourself with Supporters

THE PROFILE

Wisdom from Adam who has been sober since 2005:  Reach Out for Help

Adam says: I can’t take credit for any of it. The real accolades must go to AA, Connections Counseling Center, the people I met there, and a dog named Gunnar. They were the ones who gave me the keys I needed to transform my life.

           

I had no idea when I brought Gunnar home that September morning how profoundly he would change me. I’d recently stopped drinking and was groping my way through a kind of fog toward something I could barely see. My life as I knew it had been shattered into bits and swept away. It was a terrifying time.

           

In my counseling sessions with Shelly, she talked often about her dog and said it was common for newly sober people to get dogs because of all the lessons they can teach us. It was the first time I’d heard of a “sober dog,” but the idea of dogs’ acceptance, patience, and love helping people stay sober made sense.

           

After researching breeds, I bought a golden-retriever puppy. From the moment I brought Gunnar home, that fuzzy bundle of enthusiasm changed the energy in the house, filling it with life. Being responsible for him gave me a purpose and forced me to become active, take daily walks, and meet people at the dog park.

           

I learned why “sober dogs” are so valuable. Dogs live the secret of sobriety, always in the present instant. As long as you’re good to them, they never hold grudges, and even if you’re not good to them, they forgive you instantly.

           

Gunnar had an enormous impact on the spiritual part of my program. There was a part of God in the heart of this wonderful dog. 

           

One of the defining moments in my new life occurred in my first year of sobriety. It began like any other day. My habit was to begin each morning by waking Gunnar, who slept on the bed next to me. On this particular day, as I knelt at the edge of the bed to wake him, it dawned on me that this might be a good time to try praying.

           

Meditation and prayer were things I had yet to get a good grasp of, but I’d been hearing about them in AA. The principle of asking the universe for help seemed valid to me, but I felt awkward about trying it. I hadn’t prayed since I was a child, and I didn’t know how to begin.

           

Suddenly, I realized that being on my knees beside my bed offered the perfect chance to get started down that spiritual passageway. I had so much to be grateful for – my daughter, my dog, my family, my friends, my sobriety. I began by listing those things in my mind as I knelt there, thanking the universe for the new life I’d been given. Then it felt natural to ask my higher power to guide me through the day and help me see the right direction to follow.

Things fell into place, and I knew, from then on, I’d begin each day the same way. That dawn started me on a road of meditation, thanksgiving, and prayer that became a lifelong evolution. I’ll never forget how Gunnar led me there.

           

Later, when I told this story to a friend, he nodded knowingly and told me, “It makes perfect sense. After all, dog spelled backward is God.”

THE KEYS:

1. You never know the direction from which help may come. Be open to traditional and non-traditional ways of asking for and receiving assistance.

2. People have different ways of finding meaning and purpose. The ritual of walking a dog in the park every day can be as transformative as taking communion in a church. A prayer or meditation breathed alone in a silent room can be as powerful as one chanted in a religious group. The secrets are to believe in something beyond yourself, to immerse yourself in the wonders of nature, and to have the courage to ask for help.

ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1.  Humbly ask for help. Close your eyes, and speak to the universe. If you don’t want to call it a prayer, call it an affirmation.  Just say what’s on your mind. Ask for strength, love, or whatever you need more of. Then be on the lookout for help to arrive – not necessarily in the form you intended.

2.  Spend time with a dog or other pet. If you don’t have one, go to an animal shelter or ask friends to share theirs for a while. Notice the animal’s curiosity, spontaneity, and delight in the simple things of life. If you’re open to their energy, they can teach you a great deal about life, about yourself, and about unconditional love.

3. Plan to get together with a group (any sort of support group, interest group, spiritual or religious group.) Find out when the group meets and write the date in your datebook. Make a firm commitment to attend the group at least three times. Making this connection is one of the most important things you can do.  See the January 2014 blog post, “This Is a ‘We’ Thing.”

4. Make a list of people and resources you can turn to for support (friends, counselors, support groups, Web sites, toll-free numbers). Keep this list handy so you can reach for it whenever you need help, reassurance, or someone to talk to.

For more exercises to keep you on the right path, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappy.co.

Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer:

Where is your “safe place” where you can always find the help you need? If you don’t have one, what first step could you take to create one for yourself?