WAKING UP HAPPY: When Your Loved One Is Here But Not Here

A question I hear often from those who care about an addict is, ‘How do I stay strong for the one I love?’ What they really mean is, ‘How do I take care of myself?’ People rarely phrase the question in that way, but it’s what they’re asking. After trying with all your might to help someone who is drowning in addiction, you are depleted, miserable, and exhausted.

           

And no wonder. It’s hard, hard work to love and try to help someone who is resisting you all the way. How do you hold yourself together?

           

It helps to know that you’re dealing with a special type of emotion. Pauline Boss dubbed it “ambiguous grief” in her groundbreaking Ph.D. thesis at the University of Wisconsin. Loving someone with an addiction creates ambiguous grief because your loved one is both here and not here. The person you once loved feels lost to you, but there is no clear-cut way to mourn that loss.

           

An even more difficult situation occurs if the unthinkable happens and your loved one dies as a result of the addiction. Such a death may be direct, as when the person takes more drugs than the body can handle or in a combination that the body can’t handle, and dies (as happened to my granddaughter’s boyfriend, a heroin user, and to my sister, an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis of the liver) or indirect (as happened with my father, who committed suicide after many long battles with addiction). When addictions or mental illness are involved in a death, many people are unsure how to mourn, what to say, or how to help. Friends may stay away, not because they no longer care about you but because the situation confuses them and makes them uncomfortable.

           

I found a surprising source of strength in Pauline Boss’s book, Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. Her advice for those who love a dementia patient translates almost perfectly for those of us who love an addict. Like Alzheimer patients, our loved ones may act like strangers. We must mourn the loss of those we loved and create new relationships with the people they have become. 

THE KEYS:

1. Realize that your mixed, complicated emotions are to be expected. You aren’t to blame, and you needn’t feel guilty. Look for ways to find meaning and hope, to reduce your stress, and to become more resilient so that you can grow stronger despite the pain. It’s vital to take special care of yourself and to find a community that will accept you and help care for you.

2. Speak your truth. Ambiguous grief is often hidden and invisible to others. You’re unlikely to receive sympathy cards. But you do need the support of others. (See my earlier blog “Just Connect” about ways to build a wide network of support.) Letting others know what your life is like will help educate them and reduce the stigma surrounding addiction and mental illness.

3. Understand that there is no perfect solution or answer to what you’re going through. Some things in life always remain ambiguous, unresolved, and incomprehensible. When you accept that fact, you can stop searching so hard for answers and let life unfold around you. You can live the Serenity Prayer and stop worrying about the things you cannot change.

ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1. Think of some simple rituals you can perform on a regular basis. There aren’t any socially sanctioned rituals for people mourning ambiguous loss. Yet rituals are an important tool in dealing with emotions related to loss. If possible, perform these rituals with at least one other person, because loss and grief are more bearable when acknowledged by others. The simplest act can become a ritual if you do it mindfully. Examples:

·         Light a candle.

·         Recite a prayer, affirmation, or poem.

·         Sing a song.

·         Walk a path.

·         Let a balloon sail off into the sky.

·         Meet a friend for a chat.

Don’t let go of rituals you already have. For instance, you may be tempted to cancel Christmas, Thanksgiving, and other family gatherings. A better idea is to change those rituals, perhaps simplifying them or adapting them in ways that make them more bearable for you. Brainstorm ideas with friends and family. Be flexible.

           

2. Become comfortable with “both-and” (rather than “either-or”). Doing so will help you find meaning and hope in a world of ambiguous grief. Come up with some both-and statements. For example:

·         My loved one is both here and not here.

·         I can both love someone and feel angry at him or her.

·         I am both sad about my lost dreams and happy about new hopes and dreams.

·         I am both sorry about what my loved one is going through and able to take care of myself and make myself happy.

·         My relationship with my loved one is lost – and it also still exists.

·         I can both hold on and let go.

Write down a few other both-and statements that are true for you. Share this exercise with others who are in the same boat as you.

3. Create a virtual family for yourself. Choose anyone – living or dead, someone real or a character from a book, TV, or the movies – whose qualities you appreciate and would like to emulate. Keep your new family members in your mind to turn to when you want advice, comfort, or the courage to change.

4. Learn to forgive yourself for your feelings of anger, loss, and other complex emotions. Look directly into your eyes in a mirror and tell yourself you’re a worthy person and you love yourself just the way you are. Tell yourself you’re doing the best you can. Forgive your mistakes and banish thoughts of regret. Continue to give yourself positive feedback while looking into your mirrored eyes.

5. Join (or start) a cause related to the issue you’re dealing with.  Google the issue of concern, and find others eager to connect around a movement, a charity, a new law, or other ways to create meaning around whatever is causing you pain. It’s a great way to make sense out of something that is, in many ways, senseless.

5. Take a class. Learn to make jewelry, paint, work with wood, sew or weave, do yoga or anything else that appeals to you. Involving yourself in something new will help you look toward a brighter future. It’s essential to find new hopes and dreams if you are to stay strong.

For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, which includes more than 30 memoirs and concrete steps to creating a joyful life, www.WakingUpHappy.co

Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer:

What one thing can you do this week to lower your stress and other effects of ambiguous grief?