It’s hard for parents and their
addicted kids to talk about addiction with each other. But leaving too many
things unsaid can be toxic. Skye, who was addicted at a young age, has some
valuable insights about this highly fraught problem. Here’s what she has to
say.
Wisdom from Skye:
It’s Time to Recover from the Disease of Perfectionism
Skye says: “We moved often when I was young, and I never felt like I belonged. My parents loved me, but my mom is a perfectionist. She always strives for something better, so I constantly felt pressure from her to improve. I never thought I could measure up.
In third grade, I had an anxiety
attack and thought I was going to throw up because I was afraid I wasn’t going
to get an A on a test. I constantly made myself sick with fear that I would
disappoint my parents. If I got a B instead of an A, I felt the world would end.
Nobody would think I was smart anymore.
In my teen years, I rebelled against
all those expectations. I stopped paying attention in school and cut class. I
said to myself, “I won’t be ruled by my grades any longer.” That could have
been a helpful insight, but I didn’t put it to use in an effective way. I went
from caring too much to not caring at all. I hadn't yet found that middle place
where it was OK to make a mistake.
Being accepted by my peers was all I
cared about as a teenager. So I started using drugs. For a while I did feel accepted and cool and
beautiful, but it didn't last. Pretty soon the only thing that mattered was
getting more drugs.
If some people are pulled into drugs
by their peers, and some are pushed in by needing to escape problems, I don’t
feel like either of those is true for me. I wasn't pushed or pulled. I stepped
in. For me, it was entirely self-will, my own decision to do drugs.
I kept using because I loved it. Then, when I no longer loved it, I kept using because I was an addict. Here’s something no one ever tells you: When you first use drugs, they're great, but then they stop working. Everything that seemed so wonderful turns ugly and keeps getting worse. Bit by bit, your addiction steals your soul.
The lowest point came when my best friend, Ian, died from a heroin overdose. He was one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever known. I was the one who’d introduced him to heroin. And, although I believe we’re all responsible for our own lives, I couldn’t help blaming myself for his death. He wouldn’t have used, and he wouldn’t have died, if he hadn’t met me.
Who knows how long it would have taken for me to follow him into death? But after leaving an abusive relationship and having some run-ins with the law, I ended up in a Canadian jail. During those weeks in jail, I had no option but to get clean. Those weeks gave me the perspective to change my life.
When they deported me back to the United States, I was a wreck with no place to go, no idea what to do. Thankfully, my parents, who were living in Wisconsin, took me in. Their nonjudgmental love at this time of my life was a touch of grace. They didn’t trust me (how could they after all the times I’d lied to them?) but they did support me, love me, and give me the chance to earn back their trust.
I put myself in their hands, and they found a sober house where I could live. When my mom took me there for the intake interview, the counselor asked me to relate my drug history. For the first time, I did so honestly, leaving nothing out.
It was shattering, the hardest thing I’d ever done – telling my perfectionist mom, whom I admired and respected more than anything in the world, that I was an IV-drug user. But I realized if I lied, as I’d done so many times before, I’d go back to using. Being totally honest was the only way I could make this time different.
I could see the horror in her eyes. She started crying, and so did I. It was a nightmare made real. Yet those tears were cleansing, washing away all the sick secrets and falsehoods of the past, freeing me to start again.
One of the first things I learned as I began to recover is that I had inherited my mother’s perfectionism, and that it was as debilitating as my drug addiction. To move forward, I had to let it go. I had to accept myself as a flawed, imperfect human being. Only then could I recover.”
THE KEYS:
- Almost all
addicts are perfectionists at heart. They’re so afraid of failing that
they would rather not try at all than to do something imperfectly.
Perfectionism runs deep in families where there are addictions, and most
likely you suffer from it yourself. Understand how destructive it is and
how freeing it can be to let go of it. Realize that human beings are
fallible, make mistakes, and fail constantly. Accept these frailties in
yourself and others.
- Let go of
expectations.
Nothing is more restrictive than expecting things to turn out a certain
way. Broaden your definition of what’s possible and acceptable.
1.
Tell your loved ones funny stories about mistakes you’ve
made and imperfections in yourself. Not only is laughter immensely healing, but
you’ll be giving them permission to be more open about their own flaws.
2.
List times in your life that you felt you failed. Ask your loved ones
to help you dissect those experiences and see the gift in each one. Together,
find ways to see each “failure” as an education, a chance to change, a time to
try something new.
3.
Every time you have a critical thought, write it down. Balance it with three
positive, noncritical thoughts.
We’ll return to more
of Skye’s hard-earned wisdom in later blogs. For more exercises, take a look at
WAKING UP HAPPY, www.wakinguphappybook.com
I had two
perfectionistic parents. Not surprisingly, I am a recovering perfectionist
myself, and so is my daughter. It’s still hard for me to be open about my many
failures and imperfections. But each time I do, I am amazed at how freeing it
is. Instead of turning away from me as I once feared, people actually seem to
like me more when I am honest about my own struggles.
Please contact me
with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as
well as an answer to these questions:
Can you see traces of
perfectionism in yourself? How has this affected your life? What is one thing
you plan to do to help yourself and your loved ones recover from perfectionism?
The author: Juliana (Jill) Muehrcke (Jill@NonprofitWorld.org)
is the author of dozens of books and articles, including the best-selling Map
Use and Waking Up Happy (WakingUpHappyBook.com). She is the founder
and editor of the international, award-winning magazine Nonprofit World (www.NonprofitWorld.org)
– helping nonprofit organizations do their best, most productive work for the
good of the world and creating positive change every day.
