WAKING UP HAPPY: Begin a Journey of Trust

 Positive, transformative change IS possible. You can make it happen by doing just a few small things differently each week. In time, those tiny changes will be life-altering.

 

THE PROFILE: Become Your Authentic Self: Wisdom from Tony

Tony says: For so long, I lived for other people. If I’d met you then, I would have summed you up quickly, figured out what I thought you wanted from me, and given it to you full-force. You probably would have liked me. Most people did, at least at first. But eventually, you would have realized I wasn’t who you thought I was. It was all pretense, an ugly sham, a hoax.

 

Now, I still lie constantly, but I own up to it. I might say to you, “I finished reading that book you gave me. No, sorry! That’s a total lie! I meant to finish it, but I didn’t.” Or I might say, “I went to a meeting yesterday - no, forget that! That’s my lying self talking!”

        
My friends are used to me confessing to my lies on a pretty constant basis now. It may seem ridiculous, but I would rather be a foolish-sounding truth-teller than a smooth-talking fraud.

Sometimes I lie to make myself look better – smarter, kinder, more competent. Sometimes I might make things up because I think it will make you like me more. Most of the time, I can’t tell you, or myself, why I lie. It’s just an ingrained habit.

 

Everyone who’s ever abused a substance or had an addiction has had a lot of practice with lying. If the people who loved us had known how much we were drinking and using, they would have tried to stop us, and that’s the last thing we wanted. So we lied.

 

By the time I got sober, I was so sick of all the pretense. I made a vow to myself: No more pretending. Rather than tailoring myself to be liked and validated from the outside, I decided to work from the inside out.

 

Self-acceptance is the key. It’s OK for me not to always look like I know what’s going on. It’s OK to feel awful and talk about it. It’s OK to show my vulnerability. And it’s all right for me to disagree with you and not be exactly the person you want me to be. I don’t have to look the part, or talk the talk, as long as I walk the walk of authenticity, as much as I possibly can, every day.

I’ll probably always be a liar. But by admitting it, to myself and to you, I’m taking control of it. I’m not letting pretense rule me. And that’s the only way I can get in touch with my bona fide self.

 

Addiction saved me. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. Using drugs, entering recovery, and then starting over from scratch, with people by my side to help me – that whole process was what introduced me to myself. If I hadn’t gone through it, I would still be the glib, heedless person I once was. I’m still getting to know who I am, and becoming true to that self will be a life-long journey. But I know now that if I don’t keep looking at myself with unflinching honesty and unblinking eyes, I’ll never get where I need to be.

           
Tony’s best advice: Come to terms with your lying. It’s important to understand that everyone lies. In The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships, Robert Feldman describes research revealing that in ten-minute conversations with strangers, people tell an average of three lies. Other studies show we start lying when we’re babies, crying and making a fuss to get attention, and there’s a hereditary advantage to lying. We’re born to lie.
 
Addicts make lying and manipulating others a way of life. When they stop using, they’re often consumed with guilt about all the lies they’ve told and the trust they’ve broken. The first step to forgiving yourself is to understand that lying is a common part of life. Perhaps you’ve raised it to a fine art, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.
 

If you resolve never to lie again, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Instead, commit yourself to trying to lie less. Before you speak, think for a second, because it’s easy to lie automatically if you aren’t careful.

 

Don’t use a commitment to honesty as a reason to rub harsh truths in people’s faces. Balance a sincere effort to be candid with sensitivity to people’s feelings.

 

Realize that the person who is hurt most when you lie is you. Every time you tell the truth, you’ll feel better about yourself.

 

Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity. You’re not either honest or dishonest. You’re a human being who lies sometimes, like everyone else, but who is moving away from a life of deception.

 

Most of all, try not to lie to yourself. You need to act differently with different people and in various situations. That’s part of being a social creature and getting along with others. But don’t let these different social stances confuse you about who you really are. Being true to yourself is the most important thing of all.

 

THE KEYS:

1. As someone who loves an addict, you’ve felt betrayed, had your heart broken, and wondered if you could ever rebuild the relationship you once had. You can’t. But you can build a new relationship if you’re patient, realistic, and willing to forgive and put the past behind you. You may have wondered if your loved one is a pathological liar. That’s extremely unlikely, although it’s understandable that you’ve had the thought, because those who are addicted lie so readily (as Tony explains in the profile, above).

Research shows that dishonesty is linked to creativity, and other studies show a connection between addiction and creativity. There are many wonderful things about creativity, but one of its dark sides is that creative people will be ingenious in finding ways around the truth if it’s to their advantage. But there is also clear evidence that they don’t want to be dishonest. So if you give them a chance to reset their moral compass, they will. Rituals of resetting, which include everything from the Catholic confession to the New Year’s resolution, are often a good way to jumpstart the process.

   
My favorite story about resetting comes from a woman described by Dan Ariely in The (Honest) Truth about Dishonesty. She realized that her maid was stealing meat from the freezer every few days. So, first, she put a lock on the freezer. Then she gave the maid a key and a raise, telling her that people who worked at the house were taking meat and that she wanted only the two of them to have keys. The stealing stopped completely.

It is a wonderful story, because it combines all the important things we need to do to create trusting relationships with our loved ones: We need to have faith that the better parts of their natures will eventually overcome deceitful tendencies. We need to monitor them closely so we don’t make it easy for them to lie or cheat. (Putting the lock on the freezer assured that the maid couldn’t steal without making a conscious effort beforehand, making it less likely that she would follow through on her dishonest impulses.) And, when we know they’ve slipped, rather than berate them, we need to give them opportunities to reset their honesty level and begin anew.

2. Understand – and help your loved ones understand – that there are two types of lies – innocuous ones and destructive ones – and there’s a world of difference between the two. Some lies are a polite, positive part of life (“I’d be delighted to come!”) or harmless exaggerations (“I’ve been to that restaurant dozens of times!”) Others can destroy relationships. The most hurtful lies come when people break promises, vows, and bonds of trust (“I promise I won’t break your confidence,” “I vow to be true to you till death do us part.”)

 

It’s vital to make a distinction between these two types of lies, be relaxed about the harmless ones, and keep the destructive ones from wreaking havoc. Be very thoughtful about this. Sometimes we think we’re “protecting” our loved ones when we lie to them. I did this with my own daughter as she was growing up, answering her when she asked, “What’s wrong?” by saying, “Nothing.” That was a huge lie, and of course she knew it. Not only did it cause her to distrust me, but it caused her to distrust herself and her own perceptions. I have apologized to her for this betrayal of her trust, and she has forgiven me. That reckoning was a kind of “resetting” for both of us. On the other hand, when she comes to me now in despair, I hold her and tell her, “It’s OK. Everything will be all right,” and I don’t consider that a lie, because I feel sure in my heart that things will work out.

 

3. Be a role model of authenticity. The best way to build a trusting relationship is to be totally honest and straightforward yourself, to learn to know yourself and be true to who you really are, to create an atmosphere in which all people are valued for their unique selves and encouraged to tell the truth about who they are and what they think and feel. Here (adapted from The Truth about Lies in the Workplace by Carol Kinsey Goman) are some ways to build that environment of trust:

• Always do what you say you’ll do.
• Don’t set expectations that can’t be met. Be sure your expectations are clear and reasonable.  Don’t have rules that will cause honest people to lie and cheat because they feel your demands are unfair. Involve them in decisions that will affect them, listen to what they have to say, and act on their input.
• Acknowledge, reward, and promote honesty. Praise your loved ones for being open and honest. Don’t criticize small missteps.
• Don’t tell someone you “don’t know” if you do know. Conversely, don’t be afraid to say you don’t know something if you truly don’t.
• Don’t pretend to ask for someone else’s opinion if you’ve already made up your mind. Never ask for input and then ignore it.
• Celebrate the ways in which your loved ones differ from you, and encourage a flow of honest debate.
• Take the risk of showing vulnerability. Tell your loved ones about your greatest fears and flaws. Help them learn from failure without placing blame. Encourage them to ask “dumb” questions and voice “stupid” ideas by being willing to do so yourself.
• Be willing to trust. You can’t expect your loved ones to trust you if you don’t place your trust in them. Expect the best of them. Assume they are good, valuable people. Cherish them for who they are.

 4. Apply research on what reduces lying:

• Remind your loved ones of positive childhood memories. Studies show that people are more likely to be truthful when they think about childhood experiences. Reinforcing those memories brings them back to a time of innocence and purity, which will influence their ethical behavior.
• Help them develop a moral code. Reminding someone of a moral code, such as the Ten Commandments, has a positive effect on their honesty, researchers say. It can be even more effective to help someone develop their own personal code. In “Make Yourself Happy: Skye’s Story” (in Waking Up Happy, www.WakingUpHappyBook.com), Skye describes how she made a list of her core values–the truths she wanted to live by–and how doing so helped her learn to live an authentic life. This same exercise can be a vital first step in everyone’s resetting process. Once they’ve made their list, be sure there are copies of it close at hand for them to refer to often.
• Praise them when they act honestly, and link your praise to what it shows about their character (“You’re so trustworthy.”) On the other hand, if they act dishonestly, focus on the act, not their character.

 
FIVE ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:

1. Close your eyes, and ask yourself if you’re holding onto any hurt or bitterness about the betrayals and deceits of the past. If you are, wipe the slate clean. You can do this mentally by picturing those painful memories, and then wiping them away. Or you can actually write them down, then crumple the paper, tear it into bits, and throw it away or burn it.
2. Tell your loved ones that you’ve done the above exercise, and ask them to do the same. Tell them it’s time to start a new relationship of trust and forgiveness. Make a pact with them, using some of the strategies discussed in the keys above. Clear the air with a frank discussion in which you listen carefully to their perspectives and ideas. Plan to build on those ideas in a step-by-step way, understanding that it won’t be quick or easy but that the journey will be worthwhile.
3. Think of a resetting ritual that will be helpful as you and your loved ones start your new journey of trust. We mentioned some examples in the keys above. Other ideas: Recite a favorite quote, prayer, or affirmation. Light a candle, and say a few words. Attend a religious, spiritual, or other meaningful ceremony. Sing a song or recite a poem that has special meaning for you – or create your own song or poem of commemoration. (For more examples, see “Tap the Power of Rituals” in Waking Up Happy.) Remind yourself and your loved ones that you can’t consider it “done” after doing one ritual. You’ll want to repeat the same or similar rituals regularly, because change doesn’t happen all at once; it’s a daily process, a series of conscious steps. And trust is built through a string of decisions, repeated consistently, over time.
4. In your next conversation, notice your body language. Make sure it conveys authenticity, caring, and complete attention. Turn to face the person who’s talking, make eye contact, lean forward, and nod to show you’re listening. And then, listen. Don’t think about what you want to say or mentally frame a response. Don’t shake your head or frown even if you disagree. Open your mind and heart to understanding, especially if the speaker’s perspective is different from your own.
5. Make an active effort to break the grip of the past. When your brain is idle – when you’re doing routine things or trying to fall asleep, for example – it’s natural to ruminate about the past, going over and over it like a cow with its cud (that’s where the word “ruminate” comes from). Rumination is dangerous and destructive. If you catch yourself drifting back to past issues, tell yourself, “No! Don’t go there!” Quickly and forcefully shift your mind to something positive, something focused on the present and future rather than the past. For instance:

·         Think of something concrete and tangible. List things in your mind, such as all the things you’re thankful for, all the people you know or all your favorite books, things, or places.

·         Remind yourself that the past is gone and you’ve moved on. Create mental pictures of sweeping the slate clean, turning to a new page, pressing the “Reset” button, watching the sun rise on a fresh day of possibilities.

·         Repeat an affirmation, such as “I am building a brand-new future of forgiveness, trust, and positive change.”

As you continue to do this, the negative memories and raw emotions of the past will fade, and the positive ones will become your new reality.

 

I hope you will get in touch with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer:

Are you willing to forgive and take the risk of trusting again? What will be your first step?