A question I hear often from those who care about an addict
is, ‘How do I stay strong for the one I love?’ What they really mean is, ‘How
do I take care of myself?’ People rarely phrase the question in that
way, but it’s what they’re asking. After trying with all your might to help
someone who is drowning in addiction, you are depleted, miserable, and
exhausted.
And no wonder. It’s hard, hard work to love and try to help
someone who is resisting you all the way. How do you hold yourself together?
It helps to know that you’re dealing with a special type of
emotion. Pauline Boss dubbed it “ambiguous grief” in her groundbreaking Ph.D.
thesis at the University of Wisconsin. Loving someone with an addiction creates
ambiguous grief because your loved one is both here and not here. The person
you once loved feels lost to you, but there is no clear-cut way to mourn that
loss.
An even more difficult situation occurs if the unthinkable
happens and your loved one dies as a result of the addiction. Such a death may
be direct, as when the person takes more drugs than the body can handle or in a
combination that the body can’t handle, and dies (as happened to my
granddaughter’s boyfriend, a heroin user, and to my sister, an alcoholic who
died of cirrhosis of the liver) or indirect (as happened with my father, who
committed suicide after many long battles with addiction). When addictions or
mental illness are involved in a death, many people are unsure how to mourn,
what to say, or how to help. Friends may stay away, not because they no longer
care about you but because the situation confuses them and makes them
uncomfortable.
I found a surprising source of strength in Pauline Boss’s
book, Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. Her advice for those who love a
dementia patient translates almost perfectly for those of us who love an
addict. Like Alzheimer patients, our loved ones may act like strangers. We must
mourn the loss of those we loved and create new relationships with the people
they have become.
THE KEYS:
1. Realize that your mixed, complicated emotions are to
be expected. You aren’t to blame, and you needn’t feel guilty. Look for
ways to find meaning and hope, to reduce your stress, and to become more
resilient so that you can grow stronger despite the pain. It’s vital to take
special care of yourself and to find a community that will accept you and help
care for you.
2. Speak your truth. Ambiguous grief is often hidden
and invisible to others. You’re unlikely to receive sympathy cards. But you do
need the support of others. (See my earlier blog “Just Connect” about ways to
build a wide network of support.) Letting others know what your life is like
will help educate them and reduce the stigma surrounding addiction and mental
illness.
3. Understand that there is no perfect solution or answer
to what you’re going through. Some things in life always remain ambiguous,
unresolved, and incomprehensible. When you accept that fact, you can stop
searching so hard for answers and let life unfold around you. You can live the
Serenity Prayer and stop worrying about the things you cannot change.
ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:
1. Think of some simple rituals you can perform on a
regular basis. There aren’t any socially sanctioned rituals for people
mourning ambiguous loss. Yet rituals are an important tool in dealing with
emotions related to loss. If possible, perform these rituals with at least one
other person, because loss and grief are more bearable when acknowledged by
others. The simplest act can become a ritual if you do it mindfully. Examples:
·
Light a candle.
·
Recite a prayer, affirmation, or poem.
·
Sing a song.
·
Walk a path.
·
Let a balloon sail off into the sky.
·
Meet a friend for a chat.
Don’t let go of rituals you already
have. For instance, you may be tempted to cancel Christmas, Thanksgiving, and
other family gatherings. A better idea is to change those rituals, perhaps
simplifying them or adapting them in ways that make them more bearable for you.
Brainstorm ideas with friends and family. Be flexible.
2. Become comfortable with “both-and”
(rather than “either-or”). Doing so will help you find meaning and hope in
a world of ambiguous grief. Come up with some both-and statements. For example:
·
My loved one is both here and not here.
·
I can both love someone and feel angry at him or
her.
·
I am both sad about my lost dreams and happy
about new hopes and dreams.
·
I am both sorry about what my loved one is going
through and able to take care of myself and make myself happy.
·
My relationship with my loved one is lost – and
it also still exists.
·
I can both hold on and let go.
Write down a few other both-and
statements that are true for you. Share this exercise with others who are in
the same boat as you.
3. Create a virtual family for
yourself. Choose anyone – living or dead, someone real or a character from
a book, TV, or the movies – whose qualities you appreciate and would like to
emulate. Keep your new family members in your mind to turn to when you want
advice, comfort, or the courage to change.
4. Learn to forgive yourself for
your feelings of anger, loss, and other complex emotions. Look directly
into your eyes in a mirror and tell yourself you’re a worthy person and you
love yourself just the way you are. Tell yourself you’re doing the best you
can. Forgive your mistakes and banish thoughts of regret. Continue to give
yourself positive feedback while looking into your mirrored eyes.
5. Join (or start) a cause related
to the issue you’re dealing with.
Google the issue of concern, and find others eager to connect around a
movement, a charity, a new law, or other ways to create meaning around whatever
is causing you pain. It’s a great way to make sense out of something that is,
in many ways, senseless.
5. Take a class. Learn to make
jewelry, paint, work with wood, sew or weave, do yoga or anything else that
appeals to you. Involving yourself in something new will help you look toward a
brighter future. It’s essential to find new hopes and dreams if you are to stay
strong.
For more exercises, take a look
at WAKING UP HAPPY, which includes more than 30 memoirs and concrete steps to
creating a joyful life, www.WakingUpHappy.co
Please contact me with your own
stories, strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an
answer to this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your
answer:
What one thing can you do this week
to lower your stress and other effects of ambiguous grief?
