THE PROFILE: Accept Your Feelings: Wisdom from Marilyn
MARILYN SAYS: If
I could tell you just one thing, it would be this: There’s a place for you in
this world.
I know because, for the longest time, I wondered if there
was a place for me, somewhere I could feel safe to be myself.
When I was growing up, with a mentally ill mother, an
alcoholic father, and three brothers who were valued because they were male,
being me was lonely and scary. It was a traumatic childhood because I had no
one I could trust to help or console me. As the oldest, I ended up doing much
of the caretaking.
The deepest parts of me felt unacceptable, so I hid them
away. I learned early on that vulnerability, sensitivity, and empathy were
mocked and scorned. I was called overly dramatic, high-strung, hyper-sensitive,
self-centered, and too imaginative. I was told to toughen up and quit being
such a crybaby.
Yet I knew those tender feelings were the realest thing
about me, and so I couldn’t throw them away. Instead, I put them in a
midnight-blue, velvet-lined, wooden box with a top carved with animals and
birds and flowers that shape-shifted as needed. I carefully bundled that box in
a rainbow-colored silk scarf. Then I wrapped that in a plain, brown, boring
grocery bag. So if someone rifled through the layers of my former selves and
got to the back of that long dark closet, they would be fooled by the plainness
in which I hid my treasure box and give up and go away. Not even the cleverest
of thieves and thugs would ever find it.
Years later, when I’d left home and was able to pull that
box out of the closet, it wasn’t dusty at all. I’d caressed it and cleaned it
in my mind so many times over the years, whispering to it, “Just wait. The time
will come when I can bring you out and you can take your rightful place in the
world.”
And when I opened it, every single treasure was as sparkling
and pristine and magical as the day I put it away. That box in which I’d stored
all my feelings held my soul, my real self, and after I opened it again, I
could begin putting that tender self out into the world.
It wasn’t easy, because I had no practice in revealing
myself to others. I think my drinking was a way to smooth that process. It was
a very poor choice, and it did the opposite of what I intended, erecting
barriers between me and others, between me and the world, between me and my
self.
JILL SAYS: Marilyn’s
story touches a chord in me. Growing up, I buried all the “negative” emotions –
the fear, the empathetic pain for the suffering of others, the worry, the
anger, the guilt – deep inside myself, because I was sure I could never be the
good child my mother wanted if I even acknowledged such terrible things.
My father expressed all those emotions, but he was mentally
ill, and I certainly didn’t want to be like him.
When Marilyn and I met over 30 years ago at Women for
Sobriety, both newly sober, we worked together to unearth our buried feelings.
In this wonderful group – a heaven-sent alternative to AA – we met many others
who, like us, had grown up in homes where emotions were denied; we all had a
lot to learn about expressing those emotions.
When your child has descended
into drugs, you’re likely to be inundated by an overwhelming confusion of
emotions. You may feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, horrified, grief-stricken,
lonely, angry, paranoid, to name a few. Perhaps the most important thing you
need to know is that such feelings are perfectly normal, and you’re not alone
in feeling them.
THE KEYS:
1. It’s rare to feel one emotion at a
time. Usually an amalgam of feelings will come at once.
2.
A feeling is neither good nor bad;
it simply is what it is. Allow your emotions to come, and welcome them as a
part of you. The more you deal with each emotion – feeling it fully and trying
to understand its origins – the less
overwhelming it will be. Soon you’ll find that, no matter how strong a feeling
is, it won’t kill you. There’s nothing more freeing than that knowledge.
3. It helps to name your emotions,
identify what you’re feeling, and share those feelings with others. Don’t
be surprised, however, if an emotion you thought you had worked on and moved on
from comes up again . . . and again. Strong feelings, especially if they’ve
been buried or ignored, have a way of returning when you’re most vulnerable. It
helps to be ready.
4. Embrace the dark emotions. In Healing
through the Dark Emotions, Miriam Greenspan says we can trust dark feelings
– grief, despair, fear – to guide us if we dive into them rather than avoiding
them. When we feel these emotions deliberately, an alchemy occurs, transforming
them into gratitude, faith, and joy.
5. You’ll find that getting in touch with
your emotions will make you a happier person. You’ll be able to express
yourself more freely and make more meaningful connections with others. Making
good use of your own feelings is a skill you can master if you practice it
every day.
ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:
1.
Ask yourself: How am I feeling
right now? Make a list of any emotions you feel. If you need help to
jumpstart your list, look at the partial list of emotions below.
Challenging (“Negative”) Emotions
Sad: desperate, melancholy, anguished, hopeless,
disappointed, lonely, bored, hurt, self-pitying, empty, desolate, lethargic,
discouraged, pessimistic, devastated, heartbroken, defeated, needy
Scared: worried, anxious, timid, uneasy, nervous,
apprehensive, panicky, terrified, doubtful, tense, suspicious, wary, alarmed,
edgy, horrified, dismayed, insecure, intimidated, paranoid
Angry: bitter, resentful, annoyed, disgusted,
irritated, exasperated, frustrated, tormented, aggravated, jealous, envious,
hostile, enraged, repulsed, furious, impatient, vindictive, offended
Uplifting (“Positive”) Emotions
Happy: contented, amused, optimistic, proud, pleased,
triumphant, ecstatic, glad, delighted, hopeful, eager, enthusiastic, peaceful,
excited, exhilarated, serene, satisfied, relieved, inspired, joyful
Loved and Loving: accepted, cared for, understood,
cherished, caring, affectionate, connected, forgiving, grateful, passionate,
trusting, appreciative, warm, friendly, safe
Confident: courageous, purposeful, determined, empowered,
creative, capable, self-reliant, strong, worthwhile, validated, positive,
independent, whole
2. Listen to music with some blank sheets of paper in
front of you. Draw or paint how the music makes you feel. Or dance to the
music, letting out all your emotions through movement.
3. Carry a notebook with you throughout your day.
Write down any feelings that come up, along with a few words about what’s
happening when those emotions arise. Later, when the time is right, write more
about those feelings.
4. Find someone you can trust – a counselor, mentor,
therapist, friend, or members of a support group – and discuss the feelings
that are most uncomfortable for you to express. See my earlier blog “Just
Connect” with exercises on finding such support.
For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, www.WakingUpHappy.co.
The book also includes over 30 memoirs, including Marilyn’s and mine.
Please contact me with your own stories, strategies,
insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to this
question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer: What
feelings are the hardest for you to deal with? What steps do you plan to take
to take to learn to express those emotions?
