THE PROFILE
This Is a “We” Thing:
Wisdom from Raoul
Raoul says: One of my big
struggles in quitting drugs has been discovering who I am and learning to like
that person. This journey is, of course, partly a private quest. But it’s also
about being part of a whole.
Support groups and networks
of like-minded friends are invaluable. Putting my struggles into words and
having people nod with acceptance is an unbelievable release. It has saved my
life.
Listening to others’ stories
reaffirms that I’m making the right decisions and becoming the person I want to
be. The more I discover about myself, the more open I can be to other people.
The more I care about others, the more I like myself. It’s a never-ending
circle of comfort, mutual esteem, problem-solving, friendship, and solace.
THE KEYS:
1. Finding yourself and moving forward isn’t a solitary
task. Those who conquer their
addictions say they couldn’t have done so without a group of supporters. It’s
less often discussed – but no less true – that the loved ones of addicts also
need a circle of support to keep their equilibrium, navigate a scary world, and
deal with the stigma and scorn they may feel from people who don’t understand
the nature of addiction.
2. Support groups are life-savers. It may take time to find the right group, but it is
well worth the time and energy of scoping one out. People who attend support groups say that as they
listen to stories unspool like soft yarn, they often feel they’re hearing their
own words in another voice. Sharing the
burden makes it lighter, and you will find hope and inspiration along the way.
THREE ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:
1.
Find as
many others as possible to talk to about your struggles. Ask around to find parents’ groups in your area, or
consider starting your own. A wonderful tool is meetup.com, which lists groups
in your area that meet your criteria and gives you the tools to start your own
groups. Al-Anon is another good place to start. You may find others in your
situation, or you can ask the people there if they know of other support groups
that may be helpful. Be careful about sharing too much with old friends, who
may not understand what you’re going through. Sound them out carefully before
confiding in them. Find people who are open-minded enough to understand and who
won’t judge you harshly.
2.
Tell your
story from your heart. Once you’ve
found people you can trust, tell them the whole truth. Once you’ve let the
words out, you’ll feel an immense relief, and each time it will become easier
to say. If you don’t share your pain, it may suffocate and defeat you.
3.
On a sheet of
paper, write the names of everyone you count on. Next to each name, write a few words explaining how
that person gives you the support you need. If you wish your network were
stronger, think of steps you could take to add to it. Write down ways you could
introduce your friends to one another to make your network more effective.
(Research shows that when you introduce your friends, you’ll have more access
to everything flowing through your network and will be more likely to achieve
your goals.)
For more exercises, take a look at WAKING UP HAPPY, which includes over 30
memoirs and concrete steps to creating a joyful life, www.WakingUpHappy.co.
JILL SAYS:
The only thing that got me
through the hard years of my daughter Andrea’s addiction was finding other
parents I could talk to. My friends at the time were mostly professional people
whose children were winning awards, getting top grades, and achieving marvelous
things. Andrea had dropped out of high school, run away from home on a regular
basis, lived on the street, and almost died from overdoses numerous times. At 15,
she was arrested and placed by social services in a “home for delinquent
girls,” as Andrea called it.
The more I heard my friends
rave about their kids’ accomplishments, the more I shriveled up inside. When
they asked, “And how’s Andrea doing?” and I tried to tell them, I could see the
shock and repugnance in their eyes. They had no way of relating, and I didn’t
blame them. Andrea had been a great kid till her teen years, and I had been
smug, thinking that parents whose children got into trouble just hadn’t been
very good parents.
I didn’t tell my friends too
much, but I didn’t lie, either. I had been so humbled by the experience that I
realized I had to be honest. I had to help others understand that the horrors
of addiction can happen in any family. I had just begun to speak out about the
mental illness in my family, and I saw that this was the same.
A few of those friends
actually remained friends. They were the ones who saw our struggle as courage
rather than weakness. But most of my “friends” fell away and were replaced by
people who were going through the same nightmare as I was or who were
compassionate enough to put themselves in my shoes.
The saving grace was
attending support groups with other parents whose kids were in the social
service system. I could tell them the worst of the awful things that were
happening and see empathy instead of horror in their eyes. They understood. It
was freeing to tell my story, it was a balm to hear other people’s stories, and
it was medicine for the soul when – miracle of miracles – we were able to laugh
together as well as cry.
Please contact me with your own stories, strategies, insights, and any
questions you may have, as well as an answer to this question, if you’d like to
reflect on it and send me your answer:
Have you found people you
can trust to tell your deepest feelings and share your greatest pain?
For a listing of local parent/family
support groups and ways to connect with others, see information on the Parent
Addiction Network at http://www.safercommunity.net/parent_resources_parent_self_care.php
NOTE: The URL to Jill's book, Waking Up Happy has changed. It is now available at www.WakingUpHappy.co
