Positive, transformative change
IS possible. You can make it happen by doing just a few small things
differently each week. In time, those tiny changes will be life-altering.
THE PROFILE: Become Your
Authentic Self: Wisdom from Tony
Tony says: For so long, I lived for other people. If I’d met
you then, I would have summed you up quickly, figured out what I thought you
wanted from me, and given it to you full-force. You probably would have liked
me. Most people did, at least at first. But eventually, you would have realized
I wasn’t who you thought I was. It was all pretense, an ugly sham, a hoax.
Now, I still lie constantly, but I own up to it. I might say
to you, “I finished reading that book you gave me. No, sorry! That’s a total
lie! I meant to finish it, but I didn’t.” Or I might say, “I went to a meeting
yesterday - no, forget that! That’s my lying self talking!”
My friends are used to me confessing to my lies on a pretty
constant basis now. It may seem ridiculous, but I would rather be a
foolish-sounding truth-teller than a smooth-talking fraud.
Sometimes I lie to make myself look better – smarter,
kinder, more competent. Sometimes I might make things up because I think it
will make you like me more. Most of the time, I can’t tell you, or myself, why
I lie. It’s just an ingrained habit.
Everyone who’s ever abused a substance or had an addiction
has had a lot of practice with lying. If the people who loved us had known how
much we were drinking and using, they would have tried to stop us, and that’s
the last thing we wanted. So we lied.
By the time I got sober, I was so sick of all the pretense.
I made a vow to myself: No more pretending. Rather than tailoring myself to be
liked and validated from the outside, I decided to work from the inside out.
Self-acceptance is the key. It’s OK for me not to always
look like I know what’s going on. It’s OK to feel awful and talk about it. It’s
OK to show my vulnerability. And it’s all right for me to disagree with you and
not be exactly the person you want me to be. I don’t have to look the part, or
talk the talk, as long as I walk the walk of authenticity, as much as I
possibly can, every day.
I’ll probably always be a liar. But by admitting it, to
myself and to you, I’m taking control of it. I’m not letting pretense rule me.
And that’s the only way I can get in touch with my bona fide self.
Addiction saved me. I know that sounds strange, but it’s
true. Using drugs, entering recovery, and then starting over from scratch, with
people by my side to help me – that whole process was what introduced me to
myself. If I hadn’t gone through it, I would still be the glib, heedless person
I once was. I’m still getting to know who I am, and becoming true to that self
will be a life-long journey. But I know now that if I don’t keep looking at
myself with unflinching honesty and unblinking eyes, I’ll never get where I
need to be.
Tony’s best advice: Come to terms with your
lying. It’s important to understand that everyone lies. In
The Liar in Your
Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships, Robert Feldman describes research
revealing that in ten-minute conversations with strangers, people tell an
average of three lies. Other studies show we start lying when we’re babies,
crying and making a fuss to get attention, and there’s a hereditary advantage
to lying. We’re born to lie.
Addicts make lying and manipulating others a way of life.
When they stop using, they’re often consumed with guilt about all the lies
they’ve told and the trust they’ve broken. The first step to forgiving yourself
is to understand that lying is a common part of life. Perhaps you’ve raised it
to a fine art, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.
If you resolve never to lie again, you’re setting yourself
up for failure. Instead, commit yourself to trying to lie less. Before you
speak, think for a second, because it’s easy to lie automatically if you aren’t
careful.
Don’t use a commitment to honesty as a reason to rub harsh
truths in people’s faces. Balance a sincere effort to be candid with
sensitivity to people’s feelings.
Realize that the person who is hurt most when you lie is
you. Every time you tell the truth, you’ll feel better about yourself.
Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity.
You’re not either honest or dishonest. You’re a human being who lies sometimes,
like everyone else, but who is moving away from a life of deception.
Most of all, try not to lie to yourself. You need to act
differently with different people and in various situations. That’s part of
being a social creature and getting along with others. But don’t let these
different social stances confuse you about who you really are. Being true to
yourself is the most important thing of all.
THE KEYS:
1. As someone who loves an addict, you’ve felt betrayed,
had your heart broken, and wondered if you could ever rebuild the relationship
you once had. You can’t. But you can build a new relationship
if you’re patient, realistic, and willing to forgive and put the past behind
you. You may have wondered if your loved one is a pathological liar. That’s
extremely unlikely, although it’s understandable that you’ve had the thought,
because those who are addicted lie so readily (as Tony explains in the profile,
above).
Research shows that dishonesty is linked to creativity, and
other studies show a connection between addiction and creativity. There
are many wonderful things about creativity, but one of its dark sides is that
creative people will be ingenious in finding ways around the truth if it’s to
their advantage. But there is also clear evidence that they don’t want
to be dishonest. So if you give them a chance to reset their moral compass,
they will. Rituals of resetting, which include everything from the
Catholic confession to the New Year’s resolution, are often a good way to
jumpstart the process.
My favorite story about resetting comes from a woman
described by Dan Ariely in
The (Honest) Truth about Dishonesty. She
realized that her maid was stealing meat from the freezer every few days. So,
first, she put a lock on the freezer. Then she gave the maid a key and a raise,
telling her that people who worked at the house were taking meat and that she
wanted only the two of them to have keys. The stealing stopped completely.
It is a wonderful story, because it combines all the
important things we need to do to create trusting relationships with our loved
ones: We need to have faith that the better parts of their natures will
eventually overcome deceitful tendencies. We need to monitor them closely so we
don’t make it easy for them to lie or cheat. (Putting the lock on the freezer
assured that the maid couldn’t steal without making a conscious effort
beforehand, making it less likely that she would follow through on her
dishonest impulses.) And, when we know they’ve slipped, rather than berate them,
we need to give them opportunities to reset their honesty level and begin anew.
2. Understand – and help your loved ones understand –
that there are two types of lies – innocuous ones and destructive ones – and
there’s a world of difference between the two. Some lies are a polite,
positive part of life (“I’d be delighted to come!”) or harmless exaggerations
(“I’ve been to that restaurant dozens of times!”) Others can destroy
relationships. The most hurtful lies come when people break promises, vows, and
bonds of trust (“I promise I won’t break your confidence,” “I vow to be true to
you till death do us part.”)
It’s vital to make a distinction between these two types of
lies, be relaxed about the harmless ones, and keep the destructive ones from
wreaking havoc. Be very thoughtful about this. Sometimes we think we’re
“protecting” our loved ones when we lie to them. I did this with my own
daughter as she was growing up, answering her when she asked, “What’s wrong?”
by saying, “Nothing.” That was a huge lie, and of course she knew it. Not only
did it cause her to distrust me, but it caused her to distrust herself
and her own perceptions. I have apologized to her for this betrayal of her
trust, and she has forgiven me. That reckoning was a kind of “resetting” for
both of us. On the other hand, when she comes to me now in despair, I hold her
and tell her, “It’s OK. Everything will be all right,” and I don’t consider
that a lie, because I feel sure in my heart that things will work out.
3. Be a role model of authenticity. The best way to
build a trusting relationship is to be totally honest and straightforward
yourself, to learn to know yourself and be true to who you really are, to
create an atmosphere in which all people are valued for their unique selves and
encouraged to tell the truth about who they are and what they think and feel.
Here (adapted from The Truth about Lies in the Workplace by Carol Kinsey
Goman) are some ways to build that environment of trust:
- Always do what
you say you’ll do.
- Don’t set
expectations that can’t be met. Be sure your expectations are
clear and reasonable. Don’t have
rules that will cause honest people to lie and cheat because they feel
your demands are unfair. Involve them in decisions that will affect them,
listen to what they have to say, and act on their input.
- Acknowledge, reward,
and promote honesty. Praise your loved ones for being open and
honest. Don’t criticize small missteps.
- Don’t tell someone
you “don’t know” if you do know. Conversely, don’t be afraid to
say you don’t know something if you truly don’t.
- Don’t pretend to ask
for someone else’s opinion if you’ve already made up your mind. Never ask
for input and then ignore it.
- Celebrate the ways
in which your loved ones differ from you, and encourage a flow of honest
debate.
- Take the risk
of showing vulnerability. Tell your loved ones about your greatest fears
and flaws. Help them learn from failure without placing blame. Encourage
them to ask “dumb” questions and voice “stupid” ideas by being willing to
do so yourself.
- Be willing
to trust. You can’t expect your loved ones to trust you if you don’t place
your trust in them. Expect the best of them. Assume they are good,
valuable people. Cherish them for who they are.
4. Apply research on what reduces lying:
- Remind your loved
ones of positive childhood memories. Studies show that people are
more likely to be truthful when they think about childhood experiences.
Reinforcing those memories brings them back to a time of innocence and
purity, which will influence their ethical behavior.
- Help them develop a
moral code. Reminding someone of a moral code, such as the Ten
Commandments, has a positive effect on their honesty, researchers say. It
can be even more effective to help someone develop their own personal
code. In “Make Yourself Happy: Skye’s Story” (in Waking Up Happy, www.WakingUpHappyBook.com),
Skye describes how she made a list of her core values–the truths she
wanted to live by–and how doing so helped her learn to live an authentic
life. This same exercise can be a vital first step in everyone’s resetting
process. Once they’ve made their list, be sure there are copies of it
close at hand for them to refer to often.
- Praise them when
they act honestly, and link your praise to what it shows about
their character (“You’re so trustworthy.”) On the other hand, if they act
dishonestly, focus on the act, not their character.
FIVE ACTIONS TO PRACTICE:
- Close your eyes, and
ask yourself if you’re holding onto any hurt or bitterness about the
betrayals and deceits of the past. If you are, wipe the slate clean.
You can do this mentally by picturing those painful memories, and then
wiping them away. Or you can actually write them down, then crumple the
paper, tear it into bits, and throw it away or burn it.
- Tell your loved ones
that you’ve done the above exercise, and ask them to do the same. Tell
them it’s time to start a new relationship of trust and forgiveness. Make
a pact with them, using some of the strategies discussed in the keys
above. Clear the air with a frank discussion in which you listen carefully
to their perspectives and ideas. Plan to build on those ideas in a
step-by-step way, understanding that it won’t be quick or easy but that
the journey will be worthwhile.
- Think of a resetting
ritual that will be helpful as you and your loved ones start your new
journey of trust. We mentioned some examples in the keys above. Other
ideas: Recite a favorite quote, prayer, or affirmation. Light a candle,
and say a few words. Attend a religious, spiritual, or other meaningful
ceremony. Sing a song or recite a poem that has special meaning for you –
or create your own song or poem of commemoration. (For more examples, see
“Tap the Power of Rituals” in Waking Up Happy.) Remind yourself and
your loved ones that you can’t consider it “done” after doing one ritual. You’ll
want to repeat the same or similar rituals regularly, because change
doesn’t happen all at once; it’s a daily process, a series of conscious
steps. And trust is built through a string of decisions, repeated
consistently, over time.
- In your next conversation,
notice your body language. Make sure it conveys authenticity, caring,
and complete attention. Turn to face the person who’s talking, make eye
contact, lean forward, and nod to show you’re listening. And then, listen.
Don’t think about what you want to say or mentally frame a response. Don’t
shake your head or frown even if you disagree. Open your mind and heart to
understanding, especially if the speaker’s perspective is different
from your own.
- Make an active effort to
break the grip of the past. When your brain is idle – when you’re
doing routine things or trying to fall asleep, for example – it’s natural
to ruminate about the past, going over and over it like a cow with its cud
(that’s where the word “ruminate” comes from). Rumination is dangerous and
destructive. If you catch yourself drifting back to past issues, tell
yourself, “No! Don’t go there!” Quickly and forcefully shift your mind to
something positive, something focused on the present and future rather than
the past. For instance:
·
Think of something concrete and tangible.
List things in your mind, such as all the things you’re thankful for, all the
people you know or all your favorite books, things, or places.
·
Remind yourself that the past is gone and
you’ve moved on. Create mental pictures of sweeping the slate clean,
turning to a new page, pressing the “Reset” button, watching the sun rise on a
fresh day of possibilities.
·
Repeat an affirmation, such as “I
am building a brand-new future of forgiveness, trust, and positive change.”
As you continue to do this, the
negative memories and raw emotions of the past will fade, and the positive ones
will become your new reality.
I hope you will get in touch with your own stories,
strategies, insights, and any questions you may have, as well as an answer to
this question, if you’d like to reflect on it and send me your answer:
Are you willing to forgive and take the risk of trusting
again? What will be your first step?
